Recent things

Heyya! I'm back in college and it's okay. Not the isolation I got from the first few weeks of my first semester. It was nice to have your own clique, it feels like you belong somewhere and that got me going. So far everything is good, for the exception of needing to catch on my studies more faster than the last semester. I tried my best and I do admit that I'm doing rather well on this. At least I didn't slack too much compared to the last semester. Oh and for the record, semester 1 result's is going to be out at 10 of December which is next Wednesday. My heart had been screaming curse words every now and then while thinking about my results. It's not that I didn't believe in my ability to score but you can't help but feel the other way. My one and only wish is not to go to PDT or get kick out at that matter. It's not that I resent PDT or anything,it's just kinda make me feel pathetic,no offence to the PDTs though. I'm also afraid to disappoint my parents, they had expect good results when they sent me there so I don't want to disappoint them like this. Oh, by the way I have this massive stage fright that I can't seem to get over with. Great right? More problems to add in. Yesterday, I was supposedly to write a summary about a news article and just read it upfront. Yeah sure, I did the summary. Pretty proud of it,if I say so myself. As my turn came closer, I suddenly felt my body reacting strange. A tingly sensation? Some shivering too but I just thought maybe I was hungry cause I didn't eat before class. Made sense in a way. After minutes of waiting, my turn came. I went upfront and realized that my hands were sweating and I suddenly felt cold standing in front of everyone. My legs felt like they could fall any second then and it felt hard to look at my classmates. At that time that I had realized. My stage fright is still here. With me. Engraved into me even. I thought maybe it had gone away but yeah it's still trying to play with me. There was regret in my heart when I started to open my mouth cause I can feel the shaken my voice was. Either way, I had to get it done or I'll make myself look like a fool in front of everyone. That was not the façade that I'm going for. I've been putting on a tough girl façade ever since they have gotten closer to me. Being weak was not suppose to be shown. I won't make myself look like I'm easy to step over. At the first few words, the shaken voice was clear to be heard but I tried getting rid of it by being a bit firm with my words. Although I'm not even sure if they even realized the change in my voice at the beginning of the presentation. It was a success finish nonetheless so I'm kind of satisfied in a way. Frustration wasn't even the word to even explain how I felt. It was more than frustration. I feel like beating myself up for still not being able to get over that stupid stage fright. What is exactly wrong with me? It's not like I didn't try throwing that fear away. I did. Every time I had the chance to speak in front of a crowd, I tried my best to be firm with my words but sometimes the shaken voice would slip out carelessly without me noticing. I don't even know why I'm even afraid to speak in front of people,nonetheless my classmates? See my point? What is wrong with me? Gosh.