How's Life?

Ayoooooo. Wow it's been 4 months since I last write in here. Well it doesn't matter to be honest, who even cares about blogs nowadays. It's all about them social media apps which I used it too. I know. I'm just trying to keep an update on my life by writing somewhere. It's easier writing it here because none of my friends look through their blogs anyways. I guess it's like myspace? Land of the lost. Hahahaha. Mosquitoes kept nipping on my legs. Prolly it's because I didn't have an afternoon shower yet. Oh well. Well, how is life? After matrics is done,thankfully, I am stuck at home for about 4 months? In the day I slept, at night, i'm awake. Yea, not a good health cycle if you ask me but I do it anyways because old habits die hard. I'm recently kind of emotional too. It's a phase I think. Even now, im listening to sad songs or something that's kind of dark-ish. Like, B.A.P's Badman, BTS's Danger, FT Island's Pray,Big Bang's Haru Haru, Lies, Tell Me Goodbye and a bunch of more sad and dark-ish songs. I swear, Im really gonna bitch slap these mosquitoes to oblivion. I can't even type properly. Oh, I forgot. My matric's results were really bad. Like really really bad man. I don't even know if i'll even get into a university. I usually will rant longer but I can't take these mosquitoes nipping at my skin. I can't concentrate on typing and it will make me lose interest on writing which is actually what's happening now. Hahahaha. Maybe i'll write again later. Toodles~

Just one little thing

Aye aye. Nope. Not doing fine if you're wondering. Why? This week had probably been the worst week ever. Stress piling from day to day. I just want to spill everything to mom, to my friends but i don't know. I feel like they're not gonna think it's important and just brush it off with a 'That's a normal thing' advice. Okay. I understand. It's normal but can't you treat my case like it's important to you? I feel so pathetic and pitiful every time you guys give that kind of advice. I have a really hard time coping with my science subjects that I feel like crying in class every time. Everyone be merrily doing their work in tutorial class while I'm just like a fish out of water trying to get back in the water but I'm already too far to get back in. Sure my friends always said that they're not any good at the subject. At least you guys had a gist of it. At least you guys seem like you know what you're doing. I don't even know what to do. I don't even know what part of the book I should refer too. Do you understand me? I really don't understand a thing. I'm trying too, slowly. But with my Chemistry teacher constant pop quizzes it gets hard to cope with it. I feel pressured. I feel like an idiot in there. I hate myself for that. I know, that my lazy self get myself like this. I hate that too. I hate that part of me. Why can't I be like my sister? Why can't I be hard working like her? Recently, I choreograph an aerobic routine for my club. It was a must to enter that aerobic competition so that we could earn marks. Like any responsible person. I did but was utterly disappointed when people won't even come to practice. We perform next week and we haven't done our third routine. Why? Because we have to teach the absent people the steps so it slows our progress. One person in that club came to every practice but she doesn't remember the steps well. I put you up front cause I expected you to do good and also because you are one of our leaders. And thus another thing frustrates me till no end. She doesn't even do it properly. She trying to look frail whilst doing it. Are you effin shitting kidding me. We are doing a freakin aerobic routine not a ballet recital! She always whines while practising or sometimes just walks out of the formation cause she's thirsty or cause of something that totally frustrates me. Last night, my friends(two of em) wanted to attend the assembly for this morning. So, like any normal person. I woke up early in the morning, took a bath, get dressed and waited for them. But what do I get? A disappointment,yet another frustration. One of them just got up at 7.35 AM(The assembly started at 7.30 AM). The other one didn't reply me, probably still sleeping. Apparently, another friend of mine(not the two above) she was waiting for our call so we all decided (the four of us) to go to the science carnival at 10 AM. And again, like any normal person, I woke up at a certain time(I overslept but at least I'm bathe and all). Went to meet my friend but the other two still haven't got dress yet.The other one didn't even bathed yet even. So much frustration. We decided to do a revenge. We didn't reply or pick up any of their texts or calls. I admit I do feel a bit guilty but I was beyond frustrated that I just decided to do that. After walking around the carnival, the guiltiness kept on piling. I hate it. For me, I think they(one of them actually) deserve it because this didn't occur once. Many times actually. If she didn't feel like going to a class or something, she bailed on me after making the both of us excited at the thought of going. I feel betrayed,yet I still feel guilty for doing that even know whilst writing this. I hate people who bailed on me. I feel like I'm too nice to people. Just know, out of guilty. I replied her but she only read it. As if doing revenge by doing the exact thing that I did to her. Now that makes me feel even guiltier and you know what. I hate that. What is even wrong with me? I went home after the carnival and was excited cause what else is there to comfort me of not for my family. I went in dad's car all excited, Told him a gist of what's happening to me this week but he didn't even seem like he care. He was all talk with my little brother but was as if having this 'I don't care' aura when I talk to him. And you know what that was my breaking point. I spoke out loud enough so my dad will hear "Fine, I'm playing with my phone". It wasn't something to be mad about to be honest but because of that one little thing made it possible to unleash everything that frustrates me this week. I was from cheery and happy to go home to "I'm not speaking to you and I'm just gonna frown all day" mood. I'm ending this before this gets any longer. It's 10.17 PM now. Toodles.

Recent things

Heyya! I'm back in college and it's okay. Not the isolation I got from the first few weeks of my first semester. It was nice to have your own clique, it feels like you belong somewhere and that got me going. So far everything is good, for the exception of needing to catch on my studies more faster than the last semester. I tried my best and I do admit that I'm doing rather well on this. At least I didn't slack too much compared to the last semester. Oh and for the record, semester 1 result's is going to be out at 10 of December which is next Wednesday. My heart had been screaming curse words every now and then while thinking about my results. It's not that I didn't believe in my ability to score but you can't help but feel the other way. My one and only wish is not to go to PDT or get kick out at that matter. It's not that I resent PDT or anything,it's just kinda make me feel pathetic,no offence to the PDTs though. I'm also afraid to disappoint my parents, they had expect good results when they sent me there so I don't want to disappoint them like this. Oh, by the way I have this massive stage fright that I can't seem to get over with. Great right? More problems to add in. Yesterday, I was supposedly to write a summary about a news article and just read it upfront. Yeah sure, I did the summary. Pretty proud of it,if I say so myself. As my turn came closer, I suddenly felt my body reacting strange. A tingly sensation? Some shivering too but I just thought maybe I was hungry cause I didn't eat before class. Made sense in a way. After minutes of waiting, my turn came. I went upfront and realized that my hands were sweating and I suddenly felt cold standing in front of everyone. My legs felt like they could fall any second then and it felt hard to look at my classmates. At that time that I had realized. My stage fright is still here. With me. Engraved into me even. I thought maybe it had gone away but yeah it's still trying to play with me. There was regret in my heart when I started to open my mouth cause I can feel the shaken my voice was. Either way, I had to get it done or I'll make myself look like a fool in front of everyone. That was not the façade that I'm going for. I've been putting on a tough girl façade ever since they have gotten closer to me. Being weak was not suppose to be shown. I won't make myself look like I'm easy to step over. At the first few words, the shaken voice was clear to be heard but I tried getting rid of it by being a bit firm with my words. Although I'm not even sure if they even realized the change in my voice at the beginning of the presentation. It was a success finish nonetheless so I'm kind of satisfied in a way. Frustration wasn't even the word to even explain how I felt. It was more than frustration. I feel like beating myself up for still not being able to get over that stupid stage fright. What is exactly wrong with me? It's not like I didn't try throwing that fear away. I did. Every time I had the chance to speak in front of a crowd, I tried my best to be firm with my words but sometimes the shaken voice would slip out carelessly without me noticing. I don't even know why I'm even afraid to speak in front of people,nonetheless my classmates? See my point? What is wrong with me? Gosh.

War?

I think I just started a cold war unconsciously or was it she that started it?  I don't get it though and I'm confused af. It has that tense atmosphere when I talked to her recently. When I'm talking to her, it seems like she thought that somehow I'm belittling her or something but that's not the case. I didn't and never intended to do so. At times actually, I felt that she was the one that's belittling me or feeling unsatisfied towards me. Also it could be a misunderstanding but her words were so mean to me recently. Like, dude, what on earth did I do? For instance just now, we were talking about this celebrity that she coincidently met. This is how it goes:

Her: Hey I met _______ (Insert name. Sorry couldn't remember his name). Do you know him?

Me: I don't think I know him. Who is he?

Her: Go Google him. You really don't know local artists don't you? (Somehow this hurts, I mean she knew that I don't know local artists) If you're lazy you don't have too.

So since I'm already on the net, the logical thing to do was to search about him so I did. And after that I replied her:

Me: Oh the person from _______(Insert movie)

Her: How did you know? Did you Google it? You cheatedddd XD

Me: Of course I'll have to Google.

Her: Ceih,berlagak macam kenai gilaa. Pi balik la weyy(Idk how to translate this. Lol. Yes that hit right in the feels.)

Me: Mane ade ak berlagak kenai gila ouo

Her: Boooooooooo. You mentioned _____(Insert movie and didn't she asked me to Google it?)

Me: Well he did act in that movie so yea..

Her: Sudah laa. Sila bukak topik baru.

I don't know what I did wrong though. Well another friend of mine had once mentioned about this behaviour of hers but I didn't noticed it at that time. Could it be that I'm influenced by her thoughts although actually she was just fine as she is? I don't know and that's frustrating. We're now having this silent war with each other and its unbearable *sighs*

Somebody Please Punch Me

I just realize what kind of person I am. Well at least I noticed one thing about myself. (As I'm writing this I'm listening and watching Got7's Around The World music video. Them boys are hot.) I noticed that I'm the type of person who likes to do a lot of things but in the end nothing was done. For example, like today I wanted to learn Korean and it was doing well but then I remembered about my goal to master at least one dance before semester break is over so I close that tab and search for Teen Top's dance practice Missing. After learning for a bit, I remembered about my other goal, to at least write another chapter for my fanfic so yeah you guess it. I closed that dance tab and opened my fanfic tab. I wrote for a little bit then I realized that I wanted to learn the dance but I wanted to write too and also learn Korean and at that time I remembered my goal to refresh on my piano skills. Do you know how hard it is being me? Why am I even doing this to myself? *chairslaps self*

Thoughts?

Hello? Get ready I'm about to write some useless junk in here. Lemme see, where shall I start? Well, I just completed my first semester in KMPP. That's actually an achievement, I didn't know I could even last a semester there. Ya'know, I had bad memories there on the first few semester but it's all good now which is quite surprising. For all these years, for me I think I'm one of the weakest people among the people around me. I was afraid that I couldn't adapt. I was afraid of not being accepted. I was afraid of being judged. I was practically afraid of everything that's coming. So what was the solution to this problem? Pretending. Pretend that everything was okay. That is actually one of my talents. A lot of people never noticed even my parents. They could have suspected something but I'm a professional so it just goes under their radar. I remember all those times. Now that I think about it, how pitiful am I? Crying just because I couldn't adapt? Crying just because I'm not accepted? Crying just because I'm being judged? What was I thinking back then? I was definitely not matured yet back then nor am I sure if I am now. I did asked my dad once though. I asked him 'Dad, how do we know if we're already matured?' 'If you already have a career and a planned future in mind then that just shows how matured you are. It also depends on the person themselves.' It wasn't his exact words but it is somehow familiar to that. Dad didn't even think or paused when he answered me, that's just how amazing my dad is. Have I matured? I'm not quite sure. I could have but then on the other hand maybe not. I could write a bunch of other stuff more but I think I should just end it here so yeah till next time.

Home

Home is a place where I can be myself and I can pretty much do everything here. As much as I want to do everything in this so call home,well I dont. I thought after SPM I can finally do everything that I had ever wanted,well it's not as easy as it sounds. I did do a few productive things for the first few weeks then well it just wont work for me anymore. Apparently I just realize im that much of a lazy ass to do anything or get anything done after those few weeks. I'm not what u call a morning riser anymore. Usually ill be up at around 12 max but now well it's 2:30 max. Well isn't this wonderful? I dont exactly know what happen to me after those few weeks. It's like someone injected a lazy ass shot in me. Well i'm hoping for the best here. I really hope I change my ways but then again,knowing it's me. This is going to take a while. Well then,toodlezz